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"
OF HONESTY & COMPASSION "
By
Henry Velez
I have been holding myself back from investing emotionally in a certain female friend until there was a clear expression of desire for a mutually exclusive relationship on her part. It goes against the grain of my natural self to simply rush things along by expressing my desire to love her affectionately before she has asked for it. Several nights ago we went out again, this time just the two of us. We strolled through some art exhibits and talked during all the drive there and back about a variety of things. It was a pleasant evening.
However, I later found myself wondering if anything had changed in her heart towards me because of that pleasant evening. It hung in front of my mind constantly. Finally, last night, I stopped by her place to give for a visit and video together. The kids went to bed and we started the video. My thoughts haunted me still. Finally, my heart racing, I said in a quiet voice, "Do you ever think of me when I'm not around?" And then I listened.
We talked, intermittently, for the next hour in a very relaxed, matter-of-fact manner concerning our friendship. She stated she was content to keep things as they were, yet she knew that if she were going to feel any different in exploring a more committed relationship, it would be sometime in the next few months. Many other things were said as well but I'll not spend time on them now. My point to be made is that, in all of this, I realized two things.
First of all, I received honest feedback from her by asking a very honest question from my heart. I didn't hide my question behind hypothetical, situational conversation... I simply asked her that which my heart desired to know. It was a scary thing to do because I knew I might not hear what I wanted to hear. But an honest answer was far better than the suspense I'd been hanging in for days since our last time together. The second thing I realized was the wisdom in not letting my heart go out too far in my friendship with her. If it turns out she simply will never have love in her heart for me, while I shall be greatly disappointed, I shall only be hurt to the degree that I have slightly allowed myself to love her.
This is a complete reversal of action from what I have believed in the past, that it is best to throw one's self into a relationship, both feet first at the outset, in order to convince the courted party of my faithful devotion to the venture. But this approach only led to one broken heart after another, a self-doomed vicious cycle that exposed my lack of maturity in giving or receiving love. I still yearn for that one part of my heart to be filled, but much better that I explore God's providence the way I explore a stairway in the dark... carefully, step by step.
Meanwhile, this morning, it became clear that my uncle has very little time left to live. His wife passed away only six months ago and he has missed her so much since then. He is a Christian and has thought only of being with her since she left. Now, due to his diabetes, heart attacks and heart valve deterioration, the time is quick at hand. My Mom came into my room this morning, grief-stricken for her brother and burdened with the decision to break the news to my Grandmother.
In the past, since I was nine years old, I have been the one to be there for her in time of great pain. I used to think it was something I could do in my own wisdom or presence that would somehow make it all bearable. This morning I had no such presuppositions. I held her, I comforted her, I mourned in her mourning... but all the while I prayed because I now know only God Himself can reach into her heart when she lays her head down to rest at night. Several people have told me, concerning ministry, it is only when we know we are involved in something larger than our own abilities that we see the hand of God at work. Now I know this to be true. I'm willing to make myself useful, but unless He fills me with water, I have nothing to give in that moment. It's been an emotional twenty-four hours, but God has extended His wisdom and compassion to make the burden a light one.
Henry Velez / ~EnricoSuave
Copyright 1999; all rights reserved.
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