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"
THE PLAYING FIELD "
By
Henry Velez
Over the last year I've been doing my own personal studies on small business and finances. Oddly enough I began finding analogies between these areas and those of dating and relationships.
Just as in starting a new business, having the desire to start a new relationship can benefit from a bit of forethought. Some of the people I've read about started their business out of either necessity or happenstance. But a large majority began their businesses with a general plan based around two fundamentals. The first fundamental was sticking to a business they enjoyed, the second being a business they knew well. So what does this have to do with relationships? It all ties in together with one of the primary basics in business.. "Location, location, location."
I really believe now that too much emphasis is placed on finding someone with similar 'interests' when in reality what seems to work out better in the long run is finding someone who believes in and wants the same things in life. If you are the type of person who wants kids, marriage, a specific religion in the home.. these are the sort of things that bear more weight than finding someone who likes the same ice-cream, music or dance preferences. Yet at any time you can scan through singles ads and find the following sort of ad from someone in search of a mate; "I like fishing, country music, chinese food and line-dancing. Looking for someone with similar interests."
That's a great ad if looking for someone to 'hang out' with. A buddy of the opposite sex to share similar interests. And many times, by happenstance, such shared interests can grow into good relationships. But a person could find several people who fit the description and not one of them who shares the same "beliefs" in life for the areas that are truly important. The areas that make or break a marriage, family or lifelong mate. Some people may share your interests, yet have no desire for a relationship at all. They don't want a family. They value career, travel or independence above family, kids, or other things important to you.
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION.
Let's get back to the business of business. If you were planning to build a restaurant one of your main keys to success will be the location you choose. There are commercial buildings, medical buildings, rural districts, etc. But if what you want is lots of traffic then you'd want to place your restaurant in the commercial district, downtown, where people are doing other shopping and will want to stop in for some lunch or dinner. If you were looking to open a shop that specialized in wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, canes and walkers you'd want to pick a city that had a high concentration of customers fitting the profile in need of your items. A city with a large retirement sector as opposed to a growing suburb filled with young families.
And so it is when looking for a prospective mate. You are searching for a customer base of 'one' amongst the many. This 'one' should have certain priorities in their life you consider important. So unless you intend to take a more passive stance and hope to just bump into them somewhere, someday by chance you will need to exercised some forethought in where you locate yourself and your search.
Let's say you were looking for someone who values family, rarely drinks, has a steady faith in their religion and is considerate to others.. where would you expect to find such a person spending their time? Unfortunately too many of us spend our single time in dance clubs or bars thinking we will find them there. While it is 'possible' it is not highly 'probable'. You are working against the odds when you search for someone outside of where they would normally spend their time. However, if you were looking for someone who drinks on a weekly basis and is looking for a non-committal relationship.. cruising the bars and clubs would be where you'd find a high concentration of such people. Location, location, location.
Getting back to the original quest, someone interested in family, etc. If you are a Muslim and being with a Muslim mate is important to you then it stands to reason your search for a mate would have a higher probability of success if you spent time where Muslims spent their time. Same if you were looking for a Christian mate who shared your own Christian beliefs. You would want to spend your time attending a church, church volunteer groups or Christian single events where your exposure would be amongst those already predispositioned to what you are looking for. If you really wanted someone who enjoys kids, you might find them coaching baseball or other kids sports in city leagues. Volunteering your time in such events, if they interested you, would be one way of meeting such people. If you were looking for someone with compassion, volunteering at your local food bank, homeless shelter or counseling group for teens might be where you'd want to focus your time.
The point of all this should be obvious now. Just as in deciding where to locate your business so that you are among the customers you seek.. when looking for a relationship place yourself in the vicinity where such people are likely to be highly concentrated. If what you want is a red, juicy apple.. don't waste your afternoons cruising through avocado orchards. What's likely to happen is you'll either be frustrated at finding no apples, or settle for an avocado despite your original desire for an apple.
Some people may consider this sort of forethought too preconceived. I prefer to consider it wisdom in planning. I must say though that you will have to exercise some discretion and know yourself honestly. If you want a compassionate person but have no compassion yourself then it is likely you will hate the time spent volunteering at a food bank and leave if you don't find a mate immediately. I do not advocate hunting out someone from what they enjoy only to pull them out of it for your own plans. What I am advocating is putting yourself and your beliefs into action where you can also meet others who share and believe as you do. It is relationships that grow from a common ground that will have a much higher chance of becoming what each of you have your goals set on.
Another example of this 'location' fundamental can be found outside of church, in colleges and junior colleges. If you are prioritized to obtain a specific career then chances are you will find other people focused on the same thing in college with you. Colleges, churches and volunteer community groups are just a few of the centralized hubs of activity in any given city. Perhaps you are politically oriented, or musically inclined. Perhaps you enjoy painting, surfing, skydiving, dog training.. whatever. These all present opportunities to meet other people in a non-dating atmosphere where you can get to know them better, knowing that there is already some sense of commonality between you.
I have written on personals ads before and believe a 'few' people out of the many will find what they are looking for through them. But overall I have seen more success for people finding their mate either through common interest activities or through family/friend associations. These situations don't set you up for the personal-ad "Here we are on a blind-date" scenario with the sense of urgency that almost always seems to come with it. Meeting others where you feel such a person of the calibre you are hoping to meet is likely to spend their time is one of the things you can do to pro-actively focus your search wisely. Whereas the person who believes their only choice to meet people is to attend dance clubs and "kiss lots of frogs hoping for a prince" will tend to have their hopes tested time and time again.
Henry Velez / ~EnricoSuave
Copyright 1999; all rights reserved.
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