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EXCUSES FOR GETTING OUT OF WORK
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming into work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took 2 Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday {right up until the explosion}. I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be late or early for work.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have a deadline to meet..
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the drugstore.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We are going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
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