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"
WINNING & LOSING "
By
Henry Velez
Not all marriages, or relationships, are workable. After spending the last year observing various couples it becomes all the more obvious that unless both parties are putting forth the effort to make things better, things can only at best become 'tolerable' for the one trying to make the best of it.
One of the greatest stumbling blocks I've seen in three different marriages is that of striving for 'winning' or 'getting even' over the objective of making things better. One person makes an offense, real or imagined, and the result is a cat and mouse game of leveling the 'score'.
A typical scenario is if say the husband forgets an important holiday or anniversary. The wife's feelings are hurt. But because other past offenses are still being held dearly, she decides to vent anger instead of communicating. This puts the husband on the defensive, but soon he is willing to talk. She evens out the offenses by refusing to talk. He responds by ignoring the problem. It is only then that she is willing to talk again and so the destructive game on both their parts only works to chip away at their unity.
Another destructive pattern I've observed this last year has been that of dividing over money. In one particular case I've observed a husband who is so taken up with greed he even charges his own nine year old son money for gas if the son wants to get something from town. He won't think of giving his wife money for bills if needed, but will only 'loan' it to her with interest charged per week. These are not exaggerations, but examples sadly to say. Meanwhile the wife strives to be of a helping hand with her family but finds herself doing so at cost to 'her' income without any help from her husband. This too creates strife as decisions are made about helping others in need.
In neither case will anything improve until -both- persons are willing to work towards unity once again.. the unity that marriage is intended to represent to begin with. Marriage is not taking on a lifetime roommate who pays 'their' end of the bills or just does 'their' share of the housework. It is this and far more.
It is sharing responsibility for problems in the relationship. It is sharing all finances freely with concern for the household's future. It is forgiving and releasing your mate from the burden of past mistakes so they can improve on their future. It is trusting one another in love that is spoken and shown daily.
These things are the goal and reality of a healthy marriage. One only needs to look around a few minutes to see that not all marriages are in a healthy state. There is only so much we can do to help others in their relationships. As for our own, we can do all we can for our own end to work more towards making things better. But unfortunately we cannot force anyone to make that their goal as well. It may be some marriages were entered into with the other claiming to understand these goals but not really having any clue as to the workings of marriage. Even this can be remedied by those who have the love to grow and change from past mistakes.
In the end, what I have also seen is that the person who does strive to love, even under difficult circumstances, always comes out of things with a greater heart than those who focus on who had the last blame or the last dollar. Such persons who do not make love their prime motivator tend to grow cold and jaded thinking love is not obtainable in this world. But for those who pursue love in all things I have seen come out of it all with a peace of mind despite the storms that surround them. For they have the conviction within them that they have obeyed the highest law of all.
Henry Velez / ~EnricoSuave
Copyright 1999; all rights reserved.
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