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The Illusion of Living Together
I recently responded to a request for comment by a reader who felt my words might be worth the time to consider. Considering it involves an issue many of us as Singles have either considerred or experienced I share now the result of this person's inquiry. You will find following his letter and my response.
.........................Hi,
I like your articles very much. My backround: I'm a 31 yr old male married and divorced twice. Last divorce happened just last friday. I have been spearated from my x-wife for 6 months. I at the same time started dateing a woman with whom I work with. My problem is this. We have just recently moved in together, this is her 1st time living with man. She is 27 yrs old, I understand that I can't expect her to live up to my expectations. For instance we had a bit of an argumant last night about the fact that she will be going away on company business in Oct. I got upset at the fact that she had the choice not to go but, I think she still intends to go.
Also you should know that in my former marriage of 4 yrs I never had these type of insecure feelings. Am I stereotyping this woman with what I'm used to? I would like to hear from you as soon as you can. I am a little confused and would like to hear your opinion.
D.M.
.....................Dear D.M.,
Thanks for your sincere, honest letter about the situation you find yourself in. I'll be glad to share my thoughts and suggestions, for what they are worth, and leave you to decide how valid or applicable they may be.
From what I can see, certain things are apparent. One is that you are quickly and deeply involved with a woman who has no past experience with the detailed workings of living together with a mate.. whereas you have had years of marriage to get accustomed to the certain 'give and take' exchange of freedom and consideration that are involved. Essentially, she's having to 'hit the ground running' with this live-in situation the two of you are in. For years, if she felt the need to go somewhere she simply consulted herself and went or stayed. Now she has you in her life and home and is not accustomed to considerring your input on things. That's neither good nor bad.. it's just she hasn't had the experience behind her to do it very well... as your argument made clear concerning her trip.
Another thing that you have to consider is the situation you've put the two of yourselves into, being that of 'living together'. Regretfully, in the past I too once lived with a fiance' for over six months and I can tell you that 'living together' and marriage have very little in common. The problem with living together (aside from all Biblical, moral issues against it) is that you end up with a few of the best things of marriage but also with all the more difficult things thrown in. On the 'superficial' side there are the financial benefits of sharing the rent and sexual intimacy on a regular basis. (Again, another issue of Biblical, moral importance.) But on the darker, underlying side is the fact that the essentials of what makes a marriage work are not present ('commitment' and 'authority' to name two) and so not only do problems come up.. but the tools to work them out just aren't there.
What I mean by this is that by living together with your girlfriend it is an obvious, unspoken fact that without marital vows she knows you can walk out on her in the time it takes you to pack your things and have no legal paperwork to slow you down. (And vice-versa) There is no 'commitment', or binding legal promise that you intend to work things out or provide for her upon separating with any legal, written power... only unwritten words that aren't backed up by a marital license.
Tied in with this the absence of 'authority'. Again, she knows you are not her actual, legal 'husband' and she is not in any way obliged to take your requests to heart unless she happens to feel like it. It is much the same as trying to discipline the daughter or son of a first-date about their behaviour. You aren't their father with a right to discipline them.. you're basically just a guy whose dating their Mom. You have no binding authority when living together to tell your girlfriend where she can or can't go, or whether she should or shouldn't take your preference into mind since she never stood before a court or alter and promised to do so. (Nor did you stand before a court or alter and promise to lead her and love her with all due tenderness and compassion.)
So don't be too surprised that you'll encounter the same problems married couples do when living together. But remember that you will face these issues without the benefits that come from what is supposed to be the joining of two lives committed to a family structure that respects the roles of both husband and wife. But what I'm sure you are interested currently is, "What to do?.. being not married and facing this situation?"
My advice to you is two-fold. First.. apologize to her for the things you said during your conflict that you know were wrong to say. Whether she forgives you or not is her responsibility. Yours is to express your regret and turn yourself away from repeating such behaviour in the future.
Second.. for the good of your relationship with this woman (and your own sanity) move out and get your own place again. The underlying problem here isn't that the two of you had a disagreement over her business trip.. it's the very structure of your living situation. To put it directly, as long as the two of you are 'playing house'.. no one is going to take the relationship as seriously as though it were an actual marriage. There may be fleeting moments of passion and feelings, but the structure isn't a committed one and you'll both always be aware of that in the back of your heart and mind.
If you love her and she loves you, getting your own separate places again will in no way hamper your ability to continue being in love and progressing into a committed relationship step-by-step in the future. If you are convinced you simply cannot do without the financial and sexual liberties that come with living together.. then you may as well get used to the fact that your input in the final analysis of the relationship only has the wieght of what amounts to a 'glorified roommate'. I don't say this to be harsh, but merely to let you know the type of living structure you are placing yourself into. As long as she is not your wife and you are not her husband.. she has no obligation to you as such and any considerations to your input will be regulated by her own fancy and convenience. If she feels like doing things your way, maybe she will. If not, she won't. And as long as there is no commitment between the two of you, you have no recourse but to either live with it, or leave.
If it turns out the 'love' or 'relationship' cannot survive between the two of you unless you are co-habitated you may want to consider exactly just what strength there is to the relationship in the first place. If your announcement to move out results in her ending the relationship you can either console yourself that you've been spared a situation that had no real 'love' to it.. or you can lower your standards, beg her to stay and not expect anything more than what you have now. Myself, I am not content unless real love is present and would rather be single than chasing a shadow of love played on a make-shift stage.
I feel for your situation for I know from my own experience that vows or the lack of them do not keep the heart from endearing someone to our heart. I will not make light of this decision which stands before you. Whether you decide to move out or continue living together there will be some level of heart-ache involved. But all things considerred it is my highest endorsement to you to consider pursuing this relationship without the hyper-jump into a mutual residence and give an actual love the chance to make itself known if present. I say this not only because of moral conviction, but because it is simply the fruit of how we as humans respond to each other when commitment and family authority are either present or absent. One has its benefits while the other has its consequences and I only hope to spare you from the latter of the two.
~Henry Velez / Copyright 1999; all rights reserved.
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